Judge Explodes at “Guilty Guilty Guilty” Era as Magna Carta Gets Shredded for Recycling

Judge Explodes at “Guilty Guilty Guilty” Era as Magna Carta Gets Shredded for Recycling

In a scene that looked more like a mash-up of daytime television and a constitutional crisis, an outspoken senior judge has torn into the government’s latest announcements, accusing ministers of “treating 800 years of English law like a takeaway menu.”

The judge, who insisted he “will not be identified until someone explains this crime-ridden bingo machine they call policy,” condemned the reforms unveiled this morning after The Sun splashed with a joyful triple “Guilty” headline that resembled a Black Friday sale on basic rights.

According to the paper, the government now plans to expand magistrates’ sentencing powers and quietly sidestep long-standing safeguards by treating the Magna Carta like a scrap of old coursework. The image of a giant wooden gavel smashing the Charter “wasn’t symbolic,” the judge claimed. “That is literally how decisions are being made now. Hit it with something heavy and hope for the best.”

Speaking outside the Royal Courts of Justice, he said the reforms were “the judicial equivalent of trying to fix a leaking roof by setting the house on fire,” and warned that expanding sentencing powers during an overcrowding crisis made about as much sense as “opening more restaurants during a food shortage.”

Asked about the Home Office reassurance that “longer sentences will only apply to people who deserve them,” the judge paused. “That is the point. Everyone thinks they deserve longer sentences for someone they don’t like. The law is not a trolley dash.”

The Ministry of Justice has not commented, although a spokesperson was seen googling “Magna Carta pdf explanation for beginners.”